I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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