She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
