I wish I could punch you in the face.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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