so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
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i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
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In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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