3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
FUCK WHALES
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
