he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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