I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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