dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
