Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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