okay pat passed out under dana's car
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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