White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I think my fart just growled at me.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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