Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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