I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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