I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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