Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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