if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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