did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
