i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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