Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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