tell your sister to shave her snatch
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize