It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
