I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
