do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
