i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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