I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Welp...herpes.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
