I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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