This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
