so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
