Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
