If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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