So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize