I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
