Just fell off a train. Bad.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
