I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
