Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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