I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
