i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
