Who did Billy Mays play for?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
