he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
