there's paper in my vomit.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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