Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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