You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
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I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
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Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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