I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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