i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
