God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
