Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
