My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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