someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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