So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize
