The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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