I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
