I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize