If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
