Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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