I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
