So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
