He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just pee around me
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
