so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
