I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
