Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
